Subject: RE: travels

hey there ***,

thank you once again for the update from your adventuring...so this time you're camping in new zealand with latin chicks from beijing. sounds great, but it's not the kind of thing for a homebody like me...the sex-on-the-riviera lifestyle is dashing and all, but i just know i would quickly start to miss my nightly "frasier" re-run on UPN, so i'm going to fasten my couch-buckle.

yes, life is nice in san diego...i recently stumbled across a neat-o panoramic picture of the two of us from one of your visits a few years back, attached for your enjoyment...i've also sent a copy to the good people at National Geographic, suggesting it soon be published, with the caption "THIS IS FOR THE G'S - two pimps at leisure in venice beach, ca." will watch for publication and keep you posted!

so enjoy new zealand, and don't forget to brush your teeth after eating kiwi, if you know what i mean. ciao for now.

Subject: RE: my new baby

Are You There, ***? It's Me, **.
by Judy Blume

Dear ***,

Hi, my name is **, and I thought I'd send you an email. I feel kind of silly writing this to you because I'm not sure if you're real. And if you are real, I'm not sure if they have emails in Fallbrook. But you know what they say: "If you never call an escort service, you'll die without knowing what it's like to pay for it." So here goes.

Things are pretty good down here in ****. I have the same old job, so Monday through Friday I'm a bit of a working stiff. But on the weekends all my friends get together at people's houses and at bars and stuff. Weekends are my favorite.

Actually, weekdays are pretty fun, too. A bunch of us bought 20-game Padres packages, so we go to the new ballpark every other Tuesday. At the ballpark they sell sodas and weiners. Do you like to eat weiners, ***? I bet you do.

Anyways, on Wednesday nights we play softball in a league in UTC. It's really cool, even though our team - the *** - isn't that good. One thing I like to do when we're losing is to make fun of the other team. Like if some guy on the other team drives a Hyundai I'll yell out "Hyundais suck!" right when he's about to swing. It's fun!

So the weekend of July 4th is coming and it's totally going to be the best weekend ever. There are tons of parties on Friday and Saturday, and then of course July 4th is on Sunday. Do you think it might be possible for you to come down and say hello? If not, I understand. I'm sure it must be difficult to get a babysitter with only three weeks notice.

You know, I was just thinking about that Hyundai thing that I said before. I hope you don't think I'm a bad person or anything. I'm actually really pretty nice. For example, if a girl is fat, I won't snicker "roll her in flour and go for the wet spot!" until I'm pretty sure she's out of earshot.

Well, ***, it's past my bedtime, so that's all from me for tonight. I hope this email reaches you. Hey, if it does, maybe you could give me a sign or something. I know! If you're really up there, could you make the rash in my crotch go away? Heck, if you could just reduce the itching a bit, that'd be proof enough for me...I've gone through three tubes of Lotrimin and I'm still scratchin' myself raw. Anyways, bye!